i’m dying inside/but i’m not dead yet

WHAT A RETARDED 2 WEEKS IT HAS BEEN. And it’s still being an ass.

I can tell when Mom and Dad feel like they can’t get through to me. And we have to eat dinner in silence because I can’t respond to anything even though Dad is doing all he can to connect (comments on Leno-Coco, football, “Who’s the girl playing piano?” on Hope for Haiti Now telethon, etc.) and Mom is trying her best not to feel hurt and get mad because I’m just tuning out but she thinks I’m ignoring her or being rude and I know..I KNOW she’s mentally reminding herself that I’m really not trying to be rebellious and stupid but I just want to eat my dinner and get out of here. Even in the safest place in the whole wide world where I can be myself I feel so guilty for being such an awful child.

Where has all my common sense flown to? LOGIC, PLEASE RETURN TO MEEEE. I promise to do more sudoku and crosswords if you do.

I know there are good things happening in this world but I don’t feel it or..know it and this just sounds so fucking lame but it’s true. I don’t know what else to do. The other day I kept wondering to myself what the whole point in living was because in my very humble opinion it just seems all downhill from here. More responsibilities, more politics, more relationships and bridges to burn DO YOU SEE HOW DYING IS SUCH AN EASY OPTION, HUMAN BEINGS?!?! I can’t be the only one who thinks that, RIGHT?! Living and dying both require such courage of different kinds. I wish I had either one.

MISO TIRED AND MISO SOUP. I’ll pay someone to be me for just a couple of days. Kinda need a break from me. I PAY YOU OVERTIME, CAN? Plus medical benefits.

Someone needs to put up some signage that shows me where the EXIT sign in. I’m getting very bored with this show. NEXT!

the stars at night turned deep to dust

not settling

There are good days and there are bad days. Good weeks and bad weeks. Good hours and bad hours. I can’t help that. And for all the people around me with endless patience — I don’t know what I would do without you. Thank you.

I just turned 22 a month ago. I’d like to think that I’m still described as “young” and having “the future before me”. And since everyone knows I am incapable of making a rational decision these days, no one really cares about what I think (which is a GOOD thing, because otherwise I’d be unemployed and smelly as a result of not getting out of bed for 2 weeks). And because no one cares, I get to do what I want! Paradox, innit.

So I’m laying it out. I’m blessed to have a job. A job where I don’t have to be in a stuffy work environment. A job that has an exciting scope from time to time. But let’s face it — it’s not my dream job. When I was 7 and in Power Rangers t-shirts, I did not evade after-school assessment books by daydreaming about becoming an advertising executive. It’s not what I want to do with my life but that isn’t reason enough to quit now. I wish I had the guts to do that. To make all the mistakes I can now and have not look back and regret the things I didn’t do. But I don’t.

SO. I’m going to stick it out for the year. And I know I’m going to have fun and learn great things along the way. Not all the time, but enough to keep going.

And in this year, I’m going to grow a pair, decide on what it is I want to do next and then, most importantly, DO IT.

The worst thing that could happen is to stop dreaming. To settle. To give up. And I refuse to. I dream of the day where I will be working with children and doing things that help me sleep better at night (or things that keep me up at night!). I dream of the day where I won’t have to fork out $400 a month to get better. I dream of the day where bad days can be faced head on and tear-free!

And one must always find the time to write down these optimistic things. So that when those bad days happen and giving up is the quick-fix for life, one will remember that perhaps tomorrow will be a good day. Or maybe even a good week

caught in a bad romance

Diane and Kor have been singing the stupid rift to the song non-stop to piss each other off but all they have succeeded in doing is driving me mad with the earworm!

So, newest dilemma in the life of DT: on Friday, I attended my first ever meeting with the client and we sat around talking about many things largely under the umbrella of “how to make more money”. I sat there and wanted to cry so badly. The entire day I convinced myself that I was going to go home, talk to a select few people I usually trust with life-changing decisions (note to self: WRITE TO TINI.) and tell them that I cannot do this anymore. I am constantly wanting to be someplace else, doing something else. And I said to self, “BE BRAVE! Who needs a stable income!? NOT YOU!” NOT ME, INDEED!

And then, at the end of the day, I am told that my probation period is over, I’m welcomed to stay for the long-haul, you’re a good worker and we see you trying hard, let’s look into a pay raise and other nifty benefits and make more glorious money for people who are sickeningly rich already! Yay!

Xiaojun asks what I’m going to do about it. As usual, modus operandi is to go through the motion daily and ignore all thoughts and confrontation with regards to decision-making and wait for the day of complete meltdown and for more perceptive, intelligent and braver people to make the call for me. YAY!

we are the world

(Scroll down if you don’t want to read my whining!)

I sat in my office today reading the headlines off NYTimes and LATimes about the devastation in Haiti. And it made me feel really small. At that moment I just wanted to leave the air-conditioned office, buy a ticket and go to Port-au-Prince to do something. Anything. Like carry 10 cartons of Alpheus drinking water or copious amounts of tourniquet. I complain so damn much about being underpaid but REALLY?!?! Really?!?! God I felt so small and stupid then. I resented my office job. I hated that my world necessitates a stable income. Why can’t I just spend my life doing volunteer aid work?? I really wish I had the guts to. Damn me and my stinkin’ cowardice.

According to reports, death tolls could reach 100,000. I can’t even comprehend how huge a loss that is. My grandma died 2 years ago and I still tear up at that thought. A hundred freakin’ thousand people. It’s so fucking unfair. Why would God let that happen? Hasn’t Haiti been through enough shit? Uh God, were you getting lonely up there that you needed 100,000 people more? What did they do to deserve this? How could this happen to anyone?! And the truth is I am capable of resenting God. There is no fathomable logic that could justify this. And I can’t be arsed with the whole “He’s God. He’s Incomprehensible.” FUCK YOU it’s 100,000 people. With families. Brothers, sisters, dads and moms, grandparents, children, husbands and wives. THINK ABOUT IT before anyone preaches to me about how God is good. (I hate that I KNOW for a fact that He is good. DAMN YOU CONFLICTING LOGIC AND HEART.) God may be good but this is downright stupid and unfair. And no other explanation will suffice except “OOPS. Sorry guys, my bad. Here’s your family back! Here’s your house before it crumbled to pieces!”

But God owes no one an explanation. And that is something I will struggle with my entire life.

BUT! This is important guys. I can sit around and cry and wax lyrical about social justice and shit, but all talk and no action makes for the same shit on a different day. And since I’m too stupid to quit my job and fly away, I’m doing what I can right where I am. I think I speak for most of us when I say that we have all this money lying around and nothing better to spend on than clothes and movies. If you can buy a McD’s meal, you can donate some money to the poorest nation in the northern hemisphere who are mourning the death of their people. IT’S JUST ONE MEAL GUYS. A dollar goes a long way.

I love kids so I’m going to donate to UNICEF but if you prefer to help medically, Doctors Without Borders is doing some amazing things up in Haiti. Some good Christian organizations like Compassion are doing their part in helping the kids out too. Other international aid relief organizations like Red Cross and of course, the UN are all accepting donations. Don’t do this because it alleviates the guilt and makes you think you’re doing something noble in this world (even though you are). Do it because it’s the only thing you can do to help these people. Because you can’t even begin to imagine the devastation of a nation and a race. Do it because the news makes you feel completely helpless. Do it because you have a credit card lying in your wallet that has sufficient excess to help in a way that you physically can’t. Please, please, please, please do it. It’s the least we can do for our brothers and sisters halfway across the world.

Thanks for not dying on me, you guys. Thanks for reading this lengthy nonsense. Thanks for being my friends. I love you guys.

a world that nobody knows

I don’t know what to do when this feeling washes over me. I just want to quit my job, blast loud music, lie under the covers and cry. I’m so tired. There it is again — that exhaustion. And then I think to myself, why don’t I quit? What do I have to lose?

I am so tired.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, MISS YA/NG LIN, L/YNN!

YOU ARE BLESSED with manifestations

You know, you’re not that old. I mean, 23 is pretty old but not ancient, right? I hope this year is significantly better than 2009 but that you have all the awesomeness and happiness of last year because despite that shit, I know for a fact that you were a happy child.

Thank you for being my zhu peng gou you and standing by me when things got shitty and then standing up for me when others were shitty, haha. Thank you for our friendship that constantly points me back to the path where Christ is. It’s tough, this road we’re on but super duper yay that we’re on it together, despite your terrible sense of direction but fear you not, I will read all the maps and when we are lost, we can turn to the northern star that is the great unchangeable I AM.

You are pretty damn amazing. Who needs long slender limbs when one has total AWESOMENESS??!?!

Yep. That’s what I thought.

days of being young

These past few days have been some kind of madness.

We figured out why my dizzy spells come and go with such intensity. And as we always do here in Dawn’s Body, we are medicating it with pharmaceuticals so all is well!

On Tuesday, I caught up with some of the TK people, the bunch of us who used to hang out all the time after band practice and a certain ex-boyfriend whom I shared my first kiss with. It’s odd because I’m pretty sure we both remember it (RIGHT?!) but we never mention it. We’ve never mentioned it. I can’t decide if it’s because we were embarrassed by our youthful impulses or..? Either way, it’s a little bit sad that first loves (if I may) can so easily fade away but also very optimistic because HERE IS YOUR EXAMPLE: you can most definitely stay friends with your ex.

Anyway, more than that, I found myself laughing a lot with them, reminiscing about the past. We share a lot of memories and it was fun going through them.

But at the end of the day, I come home and I’m not tired but I feel empty, even though I know everything I do is fulfilling (work, family, relationships) but I can’t wrap my head around that. It’s so frustrating to know what you ought to feel and think but not be able to do it. That’s what this all is — frustrating. It’s like having an outer shell and that shell knows life is cruisin’ and feels good laughing heartily and then the inner core is all, “OH NO SHE DI’NT! I do not understand this thing called YAYNESS! DO NOT FEEL.”

But after all is said and done, after you’ve cried and laughed and all those yellow/white/purple stuff gets consumed, after all the “HELLO GOD? IT’S ME DAWN.” and after the sleeping is done, all you can do is keep breathing.

the cardigan days

Some days I forget that I used to live in a house with friends. Sure, my brother lived in the next room but 234 Cardigan always had people gathered. It was like the center of activity for us. Kor’s friends (namely Dionnie, KC & Bert) would be there or more often than not, YH would be sleeping next to me. I gave her a little cubicle in the corridor drawer and she lived with all my bad habits and grumpiness. My favorite nights would be when Carol and YH convince me to skip a social event (usually I’m the one looking for excuses) and we end up doing absolutely nothing and having so much fun. Also, we baked. Well, mostly Carol baked. YH trolled the Internet for recipes and mashed them up for her very own blueberry cheesecake/crust recipe. And then I happily ate anything they made.

Kristen and Belle would pop over randomly for sleepovers and whenever Sam came over we’d have to draw out the futon because SAM’S A BOY AND HE HAS COOTIES and we’d really have the best times watching movies or eating the food Sam and Belle made for me.

234 was my home in Melbourne for 3 years. I like to think of it as a home of my youth. Plenty of crazy went on in there. There was a lot of crying and dancing and movie-watching from renting DVDs from Video Dogs. And there was a whole ton of laughter. The best part? There was plenty of floor to roll around for laughing.

My monster friends wrapped in fresh sheets.

resolutions

1. Procure driver’s license. (Note: sign up for various tests.)
2. Practice the guitar like a good child. (Note: buy guitar.)
3. Go to the gym regularly.
4. Be a better person.