scribbles

It’s been an exhausting past week.

At 6.15AM on Tuesday morning, the land line kept ringing but no one was awake to pick it up. A phone call before 8AM can never be good news. Mom was on the other line, sobbing. “Wake Daddy up, tell him Mama passed already.”

That’s not possible, I thought, I’d just seen her 2 days ago.

At 8.30AM, I hauled myself out of bed, dressed up as I did every weekday morning, and went to work. All this while thinking, how odd is it that my last remaining grandparent has just passed and I haven’t shed a tear. How odd is it that my mother must be grieving somewhere, but I am sitting at my cubicle, pretending everything was the same today as it was yesterday when clearly, it was not. Seismic shifts inside do not translate to external actions.

At 6pM, her body was back at home, lifeless and artificially beautiful.

How is it that in 5 years, I went from 3 grandparents to none? Surely not.

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Mom couldn’t stop her crying at the cremation. She was trying, we knew, but she couldn’t. She goes back to the home she grew up in, the room she last saw my grandma, and she exits with swollen eyes. How long till we grow accustomed to the big hole in our hearts? What if we never do?

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I’m a lot less efficient at everything compared to how I usually am. I am aware I should never have stopped medication without doctor’s orders especially after he increased the dosage but curiosity killed the cat (and took my attention span with it). I can’t complete any task at work. As a result, I feel immensely stressed. And retreat. Wash, rinse, repeat.

People used to ask me what the difference was being medicated and I could never answer them. I think I feel the difference now. I’m back on it again. I am truly exhausted from the swings.

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I don’t understand my brother and I don’t know if I ever will. He’s my brother and I have to love him but he makes it so difficult. Why can’t he be human like everyone else? Why is he some sort of vessel void of emotions?

He thinks I’m a hysterical retard who is hypersensitive to everything around me, and maybe I am.

Some days, I know I’d rather feel extreme happiness and sadness instead of nothingness.

Other days, I’m not so sure it’s worth it either.

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You put one foot in front of the other and somehow, you stay alive.

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