On my bucket list, there are things like watch BIGBANG as 5 live in concert, make a difference in the world, bungee jump, find the best coffee in the world, etc. dreams, but on the top of that list is to see the aurorae australis/borealis live one day.

A girl can dream.

At 6.15AM on Tuesday morning, the land line kept ringing but no one was awake to pick it up. A phone call before 8AM can never be good news. Mom was on the other line, sobbing. “Wake Daddy up, tell him Mama passed already.”

That’s not possible, I thought, I’d just seen her 2 days ago.

At 8.30AM, I hauled myself out of bed, dressed up as I did every weekday morning, and went to work. All this while thinking, how odd is it that my last remaining grandparent has just passed and I haven’t shed a tear. How odd is it that my mother must be grieving somewhere, but I am sitting at my cubicle, pretending everything was the same today as it was yesterday when clearly, it was not. Seismic shifts inside do not translate to external actions.

At 6pM, her body was back at home, lifeless and artificially beautiful.

How is it that in 5 years, I went from 3 grandparents to none? Surely not.

-

Mom couldn’t stop her crying at the cremation. She was trying, we knew, but she couldn’t. She goes back to the home she grew up in, the room she last saw my grandma, and she exits with swollen eyes. How long till we grow accustomed to the big hole in our hearts? What if we never do?

-

I’m a lot less efficient at everything compared to how I usually am. I am aware I should never have stopped medication without doctor’s orders especially after he increased the dosage but curiosity killed the cat (and took my attention span with it). I can’t complete any task at work. As a result, I feel immensely stressed. And retreat. Wash, rinse, repeat.

People used to ask me what the difference was being medicated and I could never answer them. I think I feel the difference now. I’m back on it again. I am truly exhausted from the swings.

-

I don’t understand my brother and I don’t know if I ever will. He’s my brother and I have to love him but he makes it so difficult. Why can’t he be human like everyone else? Why is he some sort of vessel void of emotions?

He thinks I’m a hysterical retard who is hypersensitive to everything around me, and maybe I am.

Some days, I know I’d rather feel extreme happiness and sadness instead of nothingness.

Other days, I’m not so sure it’s worth it either.

-

You put one foot in front of the other and somehow, you stay alive.

Now and then I think of when we were together
Like when you said you felt so happy you could die
Told myself that you were right for me
But felt so lonely in your company
But that was love and it’s an ache I still remember

You can get addicted to a certain kind of sadness
Like resignation to the end
Always the end
So when we found that we could not make sense
Well you said that we would still be friends
But I’ll admit that I was glad that it was over

But you didn’t have to cut me off
Make out like it never happened
And that we were nothing
And I don’t even need your love
But you treat me like a stranger
And that feels so rough
You didn’t have to stoop so low
Have your friends collect your records
And then change your number
I guess that I don’t need that though
Now you’re just somebody that I used to know

Now and then I think of all the times you screwed me over
But had me believing it was always something that I’d done
And I don’t wanna live that way
Reading into every word you say
You said that you could let it go
And I wouldn’t catch you hung up on somebody that you used to know…

One of those songs that force you (me) to stop for a moment and just consider what I’ve done wrong so many times over.

2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
My resolutions as follows:

1. Go to the gym regularly! Lose 10kg. Partial fail? I lost some weight.
2. Be a better person. Fail.
3. Be more independent – none of that “I miss ____” shit. Not too bad. I’ll pass myself.
4. Continue with the guitar practice. Fail. Could definitely be more regular with practice.
5. Not pick up more bad habits. Success!
6. Not let current habits become addictions. Complete fail.
7. Have courage. Geez what shitty resolution was this? Gonna pass myself because I don’t understand it.
8. Write emails to my Australian friends more often. Fail but it’s because I visited them twice this year so green it is.
9. Get over a 6 year crush (now into it’s 7th year…WHAT.) Complete fail.
10. Get better. Better from what?! Geez. 1-year-ago me wasn’t very smart. PASS.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
Yes! My cousins popped these little humans out, an ex-colleague had a little boy. Children are our future etc., etc…

4. Did anyone close to you die?
My granduncle, early in the year.

5. What countries did you visit?
Vietnam, Philippines, Melbourne, twice.

6. What would you like to have in 2012 that you lacked in 2011?
LOTS AND LOTS OF MONEY! No point being all intellectual and saying shit like “discipline” or “courage” — WTF? — and work towards something concrete instead, right?

7. What dates from 2011 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
15th July 2011 OMG THE FIRST TIME I SAW CHOI SEUNGHYUN LIVE!!!!!!! Hurrr.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Switching jobs successfully, perhaps? I do think not offing myself is a remarkable achievement hahaha.

9. What was your biggest failure?
Haven’t managed to quit smoking….though not necessarily a dramatic “biggest failure”. There are worse things in life.

10.  Did you suffer illness or injury?
Sprained my ankle once, while trying to get a pearl out of bubble tea. That’s probably as exciting as it gets. And you bet yo’ ass I successfully got that mothereffin’ pearl out.

11. What was the best thing you bought?
All my awesome kpop merchandise *clings tightly*

12. Whose behaviour merited celebration?
My little nempod. Big steps, little steps, any steps. Also, I love her.

13. Whose behaviour made you appalled and depressed?
OH HELLO. I actually have a laundry list for this. Planning June’s wedding was not an easy feat but I successfully shortlisted a bunch of people I am glad to not call my best friends, so there you go!

14. Where did most of your money go?
Kpop merchandise and concerts. (I spent $1,672 on all concerts and performances alone. Hoshieeet.)

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Really, I got way excited about a lot of kpop-related things but!!

Seeing TOP live takes the cake.

16. What song will always remind you of 2011?

1. BIGBANG’s Tonight
2. The National’s Vanderlyle Crybaby Geeks
3. Denise Ho’s 钢铁人
4. The Black Keys’ Tighten Up
5. 2NE1‘s I Am The Best

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
a) happier or sadder? I’m doing alright.
b) thinner or fatter? Slimmer, haha. Yay?
c) richer or poorer? Well, I’ve got more money in my bank account but I’ve done an abysmal job of actually saving up.

18. What do you wish you’d done more of?
Hanging out with friends. Singing! Like, random spontaneous singing.

19. What do you wish you’d done less of?
Meh, making dumb mistakes hahaha.

20. How will you be spending Christmas?
Spent it with family, even though the folks haven’t spoken to each other in over a month. Yuck.

21. What was your favourite month of 2011?
I always say December because it’s Christmas and my birthday and basically everything at work is super cruise-control…

22. Did you fall in love in 2011?
*sigh*

I fell hard.

23. How many one-night stands?
None! Just one big-ass mistake.

24. What was your favourite TV programme?
Family Outing, Running Man and We Got Married. I really immersed myself into Korean culture, okay!

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?
Michele Bachmann.

26. What was the best book you read?
Emma Donoghue’s Room.

27. What was your greatest musical discovery?
WHERE DO I BEGIN. Musically my most embarrassing year since Westlife, but boy, am I proud to be a huge kpop fan. My greatest musical discovery of the year:

The YG Family - BIGBANG & 2NE1

28. What did you want and get?
To see TOP live and I got that, twice. To be surrounded by people that cared about me.

29. What did you want and not get?
Normalcy, of some sort?

30. What was your favourite film of this year?

Bridesmaids

那些年，我們一起追的女孩

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I turned 24. My friends kidnapped me to the beach and then we hit it up with some karaoke. My family took me out to Korean BBQ and cooked everything for me! My parents were not speaking to each other.

32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
Not doing things I didn’t want to do for people I didn’t really want to do it for/work with. Going for YG Family 15th Anniversary Concert in Seoul!

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2011?
A little bit more feminine than last year? Casual and relaxed. I don’t think that’s a concept though.

34. What kept you sane?
KPOP KPOP KPOP KPOP KPOP. To be specific:

BIGBANG!

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
I really don’t think there was any doubt on this.

The Official Pimp T.O.P.

37. Who did you miss?
I’m gonna say…Jesus.

38. Who were the best new people you met?
I’m including the cast of Re:ALB, just because. Maximus from work. Fangirls Anonymous!

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2011.
I was trying to think of some blanket cryptic statement but I’ll just say it — I learnt my good friends from the people that stuck around just to have fun. I learnt to differentiate between my friends who love me and the people who found it convenient to hang out for a drink and a smoke and to unload the day’s angst and negativity. For a good part of the year, I spent it shrouded in a fog of intense negativity and it was godawful (on hindsight).

40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.
In line with all the Korean goodness of the year, “쳐다보지마 지금 이 느낌이 싫어 난/어디론가 숨고만 싶어 벗어 나고 싶어/이 세상은 거짓말”

So I offer up my humanness if, instead of a place to stay for the night, you need to hear that even with everything in its right place it’s okay if you still don’t know why it doesn’t feel that way.

(Source)

Every end of the year is a reminder that I haven’t come very far from where I was 8 years ago.

I guess I shouldn’t have mistaken this for the rock. A rude awakening and reminder that only He can be constant and deliver His promises as He set them out to be.

What/Who got you into kpop?
Helen and her regular postings of SuJu variety shows.

Have any kpop merchandise?
Super Junior’s Sorry, Sorry, Bonamana and Mr. Simple albums, Super Junior lightstick, Super Show 2 DVD, 2PM lightstick, Play with GD&TOP photobook/DVD, BigBang’s Special Edition 4.5 album, Big Show 2010, Big Show 2011, Making of Big Show 2011, BigBang lightstick, 2NE1 lightstick and YG Family Concert 2010 DVD!

Which group can you see yourself being dedicated to for the rest of your time into kpop?
SOUTH KOREA, I WILL FOREVER RESENT YOUR STUPID NS POLICY OKAY. FOREVER RESENT. But you have North Korea up top, so I will try and be an understanding global citizen. I want to say BigBang but soon, all of them will have to enter army as well and my heart will break into a million pieces So I’ll play it safe and say 2NE1. Girls only need to learn how to make kimchi.

-

Super Junior’s Kangin, and then Siwon’s abs.

Was Super Junior, by any chance, one of the first kpop bands you heard of?
FANCY THAT!

What was the last Korean song you listened to?
I was listening to kpop radio! So probably like…MBLAQ’s Cry.

Do you like a band better if someone in it acted in a show before? Or does that make you more critical of that person?
Nah, doesn’t really affect the music or the band, but I might be more inclined to like/dislike the member, depending on their acting performance.

^ Did you manage to see them live?
YES. Super Show 3 and KMW2011

And lastly, out of your favorite band, who would you marry, date, have as a best friend, and as a brother?
Marry TOP, date TOP and have TOP as my BFF. HA! I probably won’t have TOP as my brother, I hear it’s not legal to have that sort of relationship. I would love to have Mir as my little brother

Reasons why I love Choi Seunghyun

1. He is one good-looking son of a bitch.
2. He’s mighty talented — rapping, songwriting, acting…maybe not so much the dancing…
3. He worked really hard to get to where he is now. He lost so much weight just to stand an audition chance with YG, left his girlfriend, compromised on some of his styles to accommodate the greater good that is BIGBANG.
4. He never lost himself. He still talks to his momma every other day, defended his ex-girlfriend against crazy fans on national TV, is never arrogant and still realizes there’s a lot that lies ahead.
5. As the oldest hyung, he does a great job being the silent rock for his dongsaengs to lean on.
6. He goes from being the completely cool and serious rapper onstage to being a complete 5 year old choding off-stage with his silly goofy antics; he makes me laugh.
7. The way he covers his face when he’s shy about something.
8. His amazing smile.
9. He reminds me of you.
10. Most importantly, he’s one-fifth of the most awesomest kpop band ever!

Such a rough tide to get over, this sudden wave. Haven’t been this weighed down in a long time, I nearly forgot what it felt like, or if I’ve ever even been this low before (I suppose I have but every occurrence leads me to believe that THINGS HAVE NEVER BEEN MORE GROSS when it probably has).

I know we just have to keep swimming and I’m luckier than most to have encouraging friends, ready with their time and hugs and food and sporadic office visits and words and general presence. I just don’t know what else to do to get out of this. Some actionable points, if you will, so I can do something to change this…stuckness of a rutness.

Am just so exhausted…again. After this, I’m going to open the bloody thesaurus to find synonyms of “tired” so I don’t sound repetitive and depressed. Sounding intelligent and depressed makes a whole lot of difference.